a long long entry...

So I guess a re-cap is in order. Where did I leave off? Okay, end of Monday. So Tuesday, I got up and went to the gym, and then went to JSU, which was fin as always, and then went to Black and White photo. I am not sure how I’m feeling about that class. My teacher is very nice, but seems very unsure of himself and presents himself (or simply is) unconfident, so the class has a hard time bothering to take what he says very seriously, I can tell. It makes me feel really bad, because I do find that I tend to agree with what he says, or he’ll say, “oh, I can tell you like to do such-and-such” by simply looking at my pictures and without really knowing me, and he’ll be quite right. So I do think he knows what he’s talking about and not just pulling things out of his ass, but his personality is as such that it doesn’t seem like it…

So, this bothers me for two reasons. One, I hate to see people who aren’t confident and it’s obvious in a very awkward and sort of sad way. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel really badly for them, and wish I could do something to help. It’s awkward, and I can’t stand people who are rude or mean to people like that, because they’re good people and they should be confident! You know? Secondly, this bothers me because I find myself wondering if the class actually is a waste of my time, and it left me feeling kind of lost yesterday. We’re supposed to be working on our own projects, and I simply have not started one, because I prefer to work without projects. So, I do acknowledge that a lot of it is most definitely the fact that I’m at a loss with my black and white work right now. But I wonder if this class is really necessary, I feel like I know what I need to know about black and white for the time being, and that now is time to plunge into the world of digital and color, and come pick black and white back up once I’m feeling comfortable with that, perhaps when I move on to studio or large format, you know, incorporate it into new things once I have the basics of all three medias down. The other part of me is saying, no, you’re just not putting yourself into what you need to be doing, you need to be working on a project, so come up with a damn idea and DO IT. Which is probably the real answer to all of this.

The point is that the class is leaving me a bit jaded, which is sad, because I love black and white photography. Basically, what I’m planning for now is to just sort of screw up with first assignment/project and simply turn in what I have for now, and it wont be cohesive. THEN, really meaning NOW, I’ll start taking pictures of my intended project, and I’ll have it to work on simultaneously with the next project (which he’s assigning) and can carry it through to a final cohesive body of work for the end of the semester. Blah. The problem that still leaves me with is that the things I like to photography simply aren’t here. Wait for it, I know New York has frikkin everything, let me explain. I refuse to take pictures on campus because campus has been photographed up the wazzoo and it is BORING. Second, my free time is generally at night, so even if I wanted to take the damn pictures of campus, I don’t have proper lighting. Yes, a tripod is in order, but I’ll admit I’m being stubborn about not wanting to use one because they’re cumbersome and don’t allow for spontaneity. Also, the things I really want to talk pictures of really just aren’t here in the city without me skipping school for a week and just wandering everywhere, you know what I mean? I’m sort of finding that I’m a semi-nature photographer. But anyway, the biggest and final, all inclusive, problem of all is than, well shit, I am VERY aware of the fact that I’m being stubborn on a case that I’m just not going to win. I have no way to have what I want, I don’t even have a way to have mostly what I want. It’s just not an ideal situation. Ideally, I’d be home in Oakland, or some other fun place, with leisurely time to walk around and see what I find. Nope, not happening. So I need to stop scowling at this, stop being hard-headed, get off my ass, and just DO IT. Anybody have any suggestions or words of encouragement?

I was thinking I’d do my project on intimate relationships, meaning, actually, just pictures for friends the way I always do them. Photographs that show clearly that I, the photographer, and my subject have some sort or connection. They don’t have to be special or lovey or whatever, just some sort of connection. It could be hurt or hate, too. this seems to be the most accessible project to me. Now for the pictures….? The other I was thinking, which could most certainly connect, would be hand photographs, because I think hands are splendid, the way they can tell you everything about a moment if captured the right way. Gah. Both of those are great! Why am I having so much trouble just doing them?

Another obstacle is the fact that color film is often in my camera, which leaves me no choice but to specifically decide to take pictures at a certain time and day, which I don’t generally do. I usually just have my camera and capture a moment when I see it. So, yet another uncomfortable thing that I have no choice over.

I’m finding that a lot of this year is new and uncomfortable. Yesterday after class when I was not feeling so great (thinking maybe I had an artist’s-block, but then realizing that that was certainly not the truth) I was having a very hard and frustrated time figuring out why, because mostly I’ve been feeling pretty good. But I think with this writing here, I figure out a good bit of it: the fact that I have a hard time (a really hard time at that…) getting myself to do new and uncomfortable things. I essentially have a war with myself over them, and I make them worse and worse. I’m glad I got there with this, because now I’m aware of it which should hopefully produce getting over it.

Moving on though, I went to the darkroom for a while yesterday, and I actually managed to print a few things that I really like, so I do have a few things for this batch that I like. The problem is that I haven’t taken ANY new black and white pictures, so I’m relying on older, pretty junky stuff. I need new material. Which leads back obviously to the main dilemma. I was and am feeling down about the lack of awesomeness of my pictures right now, but what can I expect only working from limited old stuff? I’ll go in one last time probably to finish up those old sheets of negatives and squeeze them dry, and then leave them alone and move on. Which is why I really need to get on to taking pictures. But, I do love printing, the actually act of it is soothing, even if I don’t like the pictures themselves.

All right, enough of that. Today. Today, we cut up wood all day. At first, I was feeling that same bout of ahhh I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m nervous and uncomfortable about it and this sucks! But then I got the hang of it, and I instantaneously felt my spirits rise (which is part of what helped my figure out the problems with the photo stuff, because they’re linked). They went back down a little when I found I didn’t have enough wood, and I remembered that I’m not really all too fond of 3-D, but stayed higher nonetheless. I still really like my teacher, which is an excellent sign. No need to re-state that he’s nice and helpful and such, because I think I’ve already said all that, and it hasn’t changed. I could be working on this current project over this week, but it’s not really necessary, so I probably wont. Truthfully, I’m a bit surprised at myself and how I;m handling my work this year. I’m not fretting about it really at all the way I did last year. Of course I want to do a good job, but a decent job is all I’m aiming for, instead of my insane perfection. It’s a bit daunting to me, and I wonder why I don’t care as much, and I really can’t decide if it’s a good or a bad thing (aka, does this mean my work is going to suck this year? Or, finally! Some peace!). *shrugs* who knows but me? I’ll figure it out as I go along. I highly doubt my work will suffer because I simply must do good work, for myself. So I ten to lean towards the this is a good thing side, it’s simply that where it really doesn’t matter and I really don’t care too much (such as 3-D), why would I be a stress-ball for that? That’s just plain silly.

Anyway, today I truly thanked myself for scheduling yoga after 3-D. I know I’ve said, but boy, is it perfect. And I really do love my Wednesday class. I asked my teacher afterwards today if she could recommend any reading for me, and she said she’d written some good books on the syllabus, but she was thrilled to hear I wanted to learn more! For some reason class today just worked really well for me, I mean while I was there, in class. It just felt right today, completely. But anyway, I’m excited to get some books on yoga! I’m really really interested in Eastern Philosophies, I always have been from the first time something about them was mentioned to me. They’ve simply always resonated with me very strongly. I want to know everything I can, all about them, and I want to live my life that way. I don’t know where to start other than with yoga. I hope it leads me to a wide knowledge of the awesomeness I know is out there. Yay :D

So then (wow, this must be my longest post EVER) I went to SDS. It was out first general interest meeting, and it was a lot of fun! Quite a few kids showed up, though we’ll see how many come back, but most seemed like what we were saying did something for them. We had food and a good time. Went over our plans, what we do, what SDS does, a little history, chapters all around, events we’re planning, what we stand for, stuff like that. It was good times. We had concord grapes for some reason, and Davey was so juiced for them that I had to try them (I’d never had them before) and they’re freakin DELICIOUS! Good times. Morgan brought cookies, which I semi helped her make before I went to class.

This brings me to food. Lately I’ve been having trouble sticking to my diet (I hate calling it that, but for lack of a better word…). I’ve been eating more than I know I want to. Not much, not seriously, but it’s rather annoying because I know it means I’ll lose the weight slower. And it’s not like I’m hungrier, because that would be different. I’m just doing what I’ve done before, which is sort of uncontrollably eat more than I want. Sometimes, I can manage to make it carrots, so it’s almost as if it doesn’t count for anything, but STILL, I’m not hungry for them! I’ve obviously found that times like these when I’m completely distracted by typing away, or I’m in class, or I’m reading, or in Michele’s, or whatever, food doesn’t even come onto my mind, so it’s not like I’m depriving myself. It’s when I come back to my room after doing something, or finish something, or whatever. I think certainly that part of it is these apprehension/lack of comfort feelings that I’m having, because food is my go-to for trying to make me feel better, even though rationally I know it doesn’t do that, my body for some reason thinks it does. So for the 3 very awesome weeks I was content, I hade no problem controlling what I ate. But now that I’m feeling that things are a little out of my control, my eating slips out of my control, too. I’ve been trying to make it up in the gym, but I’d really rather not have to do that because I’ll just wear myself out. So, here is another thing where I know exactly what’s going on, but am having trouble fixing it. Again, any thoughts or suggestions? If you have an ideas on what I can do, whey would be greatly appreciated. I am rather enjoying eating the right amount and healthily, and I really want to keep it up.

So okay, after ALL THAT, I think I’m just about done. I went down to Katy’s room earlier to see if she was there because I haven’t seen her in a while, but she must be in studio. And me and Michele tend to not really see each other Tuesday’s, Wednesday’s, and Thursday’s because of our schedules, and recently, Friday’s and Saturday’s because she’s been going home. Uhm… I was reading Harry Potter before I started all this, so I think I’ll get ready for bed and then get back to that.

Tomorrow’s plans are: go to the gym, be in control of what I eat (food does not control me!) spray-mount fabrics to cardboard for silk screening (so they can’t move around), silk screening class, of course, read art history for Friday, and a bunch of free time I still have to find something to do with. I’ll probably not do much, though I do have concepts for my digital project to work out (did I tell you about that yet? I will tomorrow if I haven’t) which I should really do. And I should take pictures. Duh. But I’m going to worry about all that tomorrow.

Today, Molly called me because she had to walk home from school, super lame! But she is so entertaining, even though I was supposed to be the one entertaining her! So it was really fun to talk to her. And me and Jessica are writing letters back and forth, which is the coolest thing EVER, so I wrote her back today because I got a letter from her Monday :D yay.

Okay. Wowza. I knew I wrote a lot, but I just didn’t know I had all that in me! I like this blog, it’s really like a journal. It’s good because it gets my head organized for me and gets all I need to say out. But I’ve had trouble keeping journals in the past. I wonder if this time is different. It feels like it, the same way this time is different with going to the gym, which is working just fine, though I’ve never done this before. I do like to write, which reminds me of the other thing on my mind (last thing for this gigantic novel entry!) which is other careers. I dunno what’s gunna happen with my career… photography? I’d love to do it for a living, I think, but I’d also like writing, a baking, and holistic medicine, and eastern philosophies. Simply, I have a lot of other interests nagging at me right now, and I’m just not getting to do them. Not to mention things like dance and music which by now I’m so used to not doing that I forget about them, even though I’d love to be doing that, too. Anyway, that’s not being stated for any particular reason, and I have no conclusion or anything like that. I’m just saying.

So, I hope everyone’s having fun back at the house! With grandma visiting and such. I hope all is well :) I’m feeling calm now after writing so much. I’ll be asleep soon. Goodnight!