And all-day entry...

Okay so this morning I'm going to Breakfast with my friend Jesse, who I met over the summer in my Jewelry/Metal Arts class. She's from Maryland and happens to be in NY at the moment, so I'm meeting her at this local cafe called Tillie's, which I've only heard good things about, so I'm excited. But I figured since I have nothing else to do until she calls (and she might have trouble finding her way here, so she might be late) I'd start to ketchup on the last week. WEEK!

This week is midterms, that's why I haven't had any time to write. I still have my Art History midterm for which I will be vigorously (haha) studying for later today. But we'll start with Friday. Nothing too eventful during the day, I had Photo class and Art History, and even if something interesting did happen, it was so long ago I don't even remember. We have to go to the MOMA to see the photo exhibit tomorrow for class, and I've already seen it so I really don't feel like going because it's such a trip for such a short time before I have to get back for Art History =(. It's lame. And I've been so busy that I'm a little behind on my rolls (but I'll ketchup later) and my printing. The printing makes me sad because I wanna be printing and I don't have time! But tomorrow evening or this weekend I must! So directly after Art History, I gathered my things and made for the Subway to meet mom on around 81st street on the west side of Central Park, where she was staying. It was a pretty quick trip compared to have I thought it would be. Then we went out to dinner with all the other APer's at this place called Calle Ocho, which was this fancy Cuban restaurant and was uber expensive! But we weren't paying for it, the College Board who does the AP's was! So oh MAN was it good food! I ate a million of the little breads they give to you before you order and mom got mushroom rice and I got Tamals. THEY WERE SO GOOD! And for 20ish bucks that I wasn't paying, haha. And because everyone else was clearly over 21, no one bothered to glance at me to see that I was 17 (the waiters, I mean) so I had white wine and it was actually pretty good compared to other things I've tried. But me and mom were so sleepy! And then we got desert and tried a bunch of different things and that was of course good too. So I took back some leftovers for breakfast the next day and ate some of them but then stupid room service THREW THEM OUT! I was thoroughly disappointed =( and MAD! What the hell were they doing throwing things out?! I throw MY bags out! I was sad, I wasn't finished!

I wonder where Jesse is...

So then Saturday mom got up and went to her AP meeting and I got up later and gathered my video equipment and started the 20-block treck down to where she was to film some of the people there for my Interview project for class. I asked 8 people 3 questions: Do you think Photography is art? What makes more of an emotional impact, words or pictures? And, Do you think photojournalism is exploitative? They tended to like the questions. Then I walked back to the hotel and got side tracked in Barnes and Nobel Books and at these street vendors that were out near the hotel. At the hotel I worked on my drawing and played around with taking pictures. That evening, me and mom went out for Thai food! YAY! I don't remember what the restaurant was called, but I had the best coconut soup EVER! Seriously, it was soooo good. And again, I had leftovers for breakfast! That night, I drew while mom quizzed me on Art History. Yup.

Sunday we got up at 9 and I kept working while mom kept quizzing me. Then we left for Central Park because we had to check out of the hotel, but we left out bags with them. We walked A TON! okay, there's Jesse, I'll finish later! Okay I’m back, 5 hours elapsed time. But in reading, you wouldn’t even know! Anyways, so we wandered through Central Park and it was really neat to see. Tons of runners, I got some pictures of little kids and stuff. And we made our way all the way across and got lunch in a diner and went to H&M which was disappointing, no good clothes! And we went to Godiva, from which I still haven’t eaten the chocolates! I’m saving them. =) then we went back to the hotel, did some more Art History until I fell asleep in the lobby, and then we took the subway with a few complications back. I got off to come here, and she continued on to go to the airport to go home! =( It was fun, but I was exhausted because I was subconsciously stressing about midterms. For which I should still be studying… But my piano lesson is in 15 minuets, so I’m taking a break. Me and Michele were studying, but she had to go somewhere and I have my lesson, so we’re gunna re-convene later.

So Sunday night I finished my drawing, FINALLY, and then planned on getting up early to do other homework, but boy, that did not happen. And once I finally got up, I remembered I had a quiz for film (Video) class in 2 hours. So I studied for that and did just fine. In class, we watched projects as always, and we learned dubbing, which was neat! I like it. We’re going to have a quiz on it on Monday, but it’s so easy I’m not even worried about it. Then I skipped English to do homework but was so tired I ended up not finishing my LCD or doing any Art History and I went to bed around 9:30, so skipping was pointless, but then again, going is rather pointless…

Tuesday LCD was fine. If you didn’t already notice, there are decent LCD days, and HORRIBLE LCD days. Lots of kids think every LCD day is horrible, which is pretty much true, but relatively, Tuesday was fine. We worked on one project the whole time which is my DREAM because I HATE switching projects in the middle, I like to do them in one go and be done with it. It was another painting-type, and I like painting, so I enjoyed myself just because I like the feeling of painting with a brush and mixing cool colors and stuff! The project was pretty interesting, but I’ll post a picture and explain it later. What did I do Tuesday night? I don’t remember. Of course! Open Model session. I only went to the second half and did three 20-minute drawings, which was nice, and to make up for falling asleep the week before. I also organized all of my work for the midterm/critique the next day.

Wednesday I had Drawing, duh. We drew paper bags. Yup. Weird, right? I’ll explain that project later too, along with my Midterm project and the LCD project. So he called us out and we put up what we thought was out best work and he talked to us about where we were in the class. He’s not giving anyone an A at this point because we all start at a C and work our way down or up from there. But I gotta go to my lesson, so I’ll continue later. Kay I’m back. Hour and 15 minutes elapsed. So Drawing, right. So he reviewed all of our stuff and talked about where we were. He said I’m at the top with the general drawing, and at least improving with the figure drawing, which is good because he looks as much for improvement as he does for quality. So he said I’m at about a B right now which is AWESOME because that means I’m at the top of the class! And I don’t mean because I compare my work to anyone else’s, I do my work compared to my own standards, but it means that my professor knows I’m doing a good job and trying! He asked me how many open model session’s I’d been to and I told him 5 or 6, and he was like okay that’s about half… So you’re really taking all of this seriously, aren’t you? It was more of a statement than a question, but I answered yes because I am taking it seriously and I am very interested! But then he kinda burst my bubble because he asked me what major I’m doing and I told him and he said, to be blunt, why? You’re not going to get anything but simple-minded politics here, nothing very interesting, and looking at those drawings that you have up on the wall, I wonder why photography because you have such nice work and you can’t really use it in photography, and to be blunt again, photography really isn’t that difficult to do, it doesn’t take much skill. I dunno, I didn’t find it offensive because what he said was true, but it kinda burst my bubble for exactly that reason… it was kinda true. So then I got to thinking, wow, photojournalism… do I really think I’ll end up there? Is this even the right school for that? Is what I’m doing actually going to head me where I want to go? And I didn’t dare tell him that I chose photography because I knew I couldn’t get into the school undecided. That would have been a whole mess of an explanation. So Now I’m a bit confused, but not severely so, because as always, I’m not too worried about anything. I’m laid back and such. And I came into this knowing I don’t really know where I’ll end up at all, and everything is subject to change. Anything and everything is an option, I just have to keep my mind open and go where I find things I want to follow. Maybe I wont spend all four years here at Pratt. You just never know.

So that was exciting, getting a B so far an all. He said if my figure drawing improves, I’m in the running for an A, which is really hard to do in his class. He gives 2 or 3 out of 20 in a class A’s, so that would feel good. It just gives me that much more motivation to go to the open drawing sessions and work hard on my figure drawing. I do know I’m improving, for sure, but it’s still… eh… because it’s so hard! But I enjoy it, as you know. So yesterday (still the same day) the model we had was a dancer, and I knew it before my teacher asked and she said yes. You could just tell. She had a beautiful body, not freakishly skinny, just really lean muscle, you know, not really defined, how dancer’s bodies are. You could tell she was a dancer by the way she chose to pose. It was really enjoyable to draw her. It got me to thinking, as anything even remotely tied to dance does, how sad I am that I ever quit Ballet. I don’t “wish I hadn’t” because I don’t want to dwell on it, and I know that even the smallest little choice changes entire paths of life, something much smaller than choosing to quit ballet, as simple as eating cereal or eating oatmeal instead for breakfast, and I know that I wouldn’t have had the same path or met the same people or whatever if I’d chosen differently and yes I may have ended up in an equally good place, but I really like where I’ve ended up. Does that all make sense? But really, in all honestly, I wish I hadn’t. Yea? I could have been in a company and been dancing and it would have been wonderful. But I hate to say I could have, because it’s worth nothing. The past is worthless in any way but the way it was. You only have what happened and what you learned from it and what you take into the present from your experiences. So I quit Ballet. End of story. I shouldn’t have. Question, but shouldn’t I have? Then… I should have, but gone back after a year once I started thinking about it again. Question, but was I ready to go back yet? So then… later? I should have. Really? (Are you following me? Haha probably not.) Point is, who knows what I “should have” done. What I did was quit. What I’ve always felt a tinge of is regret. So I went back finally last year, and I managed to go three times, but I was so busy with school that it really didn’t happen more which was sad. And I’m so jealous of anyone who dances, and even more so of anyone who does ballet because I know that I would be as good as them or better if I hadn’t quit. I would be amazing! I’d be so good! And It’s not even a competition thing where I want to be better than other people at dance at all, I’m really not much or a competitive person. What it is is jealousy that they knew better than me and are still dancing, they have what would be practically impossible for me to re-attain now... Kinda like it's too late, a lost cause. I can't be a dancer because I'd have to start from near the beginning again. Well no, from kinda the middle. But the middle doesn't get you ever to the topiest you could have been. And there I go again with the "could" have. It’s just too late for me to be a professional dancer. Not too late technically, but in reality, it is. It's just not possible for me to go to something I'm mediocre at now, at the age of 17. Man this is hard to explain… It’s like this, I’m not supporting myself yet, but I’m already in that mind frame. I’m really conscious of everything I do and buy and how I take care of myself on my own. I’m in the mid-stages, working to being on my own and completely supporting myself both physically and mentally. And because I’m at that stage in my life, it’s not really a possibility to scratch everything and dance because I have no means of supporting myself. Yes? Potentially, yes, I could drop everything else in my life and dance for 5 hours every day of the week and train myself back to where I was and beyond. But rationally... well, it's obviously not rational! And it makes me want to cry and kick and scream and curse, but mostly, it just makes me want to scratch everything and dance. But I like art, and I like music, and I like cooking, so why not stop everything to do those things? See, I just can’t choose dance over the others. And I've chosen art over the others, and that’s why what my drawing Professor said to me about photography kinda hit me at a weird angel… yea? Because I already know that I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, that I’m just going with the flow, and the flow lead to photography and not to fine arts and not to culinary school and not to a band or music school and not to dance. It didn’t lead to Political science or writing or drawing or spoken word or… dance. But for some reason dance sticks to me and slaps me in the face all the time. Maybe it’s because it’s semi-permanent. It’s irreplaceable; you can’t start when you’re 30… yea? It’s frustrating because I just want to dance but I can’t put the reat of my life on hold or put it away completely to do that! Arg, I just want to dance, but I don’t have time. Time just doesn’t give a shit. Remember?

I really want to look for a dance school, but the internet’s not working right now. It should be like piano, I want to do it, who cares how old I am? I’m still a kid, really, and I only have one life. That’s why I plan to do EVERYTHING. My life’s gunna be awesome. Piano life and I’m gunna be a DANCER. You just wait. I think I’ll go to Michele’s room and see if her internet is working and then go get my laundry, so I’ll finish this later. On hold again! Okay, I’m getting really REALLY frustrated with the fact that my internet only works when it feels like it! AHHHHH! I'll have to finish writing about yesterday and today and tomorrow tomorrow. I have run out of time to waste.

Leave me your thoughts.